State Unemployment Information

Interviewers have a tough job. With hundreds of qualified applicants vying for the same job, how do you narrow it down? For your convenience, here’s a handy-dandy scorecard. Just add and subtract points and award the job to the person with the highest score.

Applicant arrives 15 minutes early: +2

Then spends 20 minutes in the bathroom and is late for the interview: -1

Doesn’t dry his hands after washing: -1

Doesn’t wash his hands: -10

Arrives the day before and camps out in front of the building: -20

Firm, dry handshake: +1

Crushing grip: -5

Limp: -2

Two moderate, professional pumps with release: +2

Piston pump: -5

Tickles your palm in a suggestive manner: -10

Unless you like it: +10 and dinner later at your place (just kidding)

Nice suit: +1

Nicer than yours: +2

No suit, casual dress: -1

Tux-printed tee shirt: -5

With green sneakers: -8

Just like yours: +10

Totally naked: -50, and call security

Last job was comparable: +1

Moving up the ladder: +1

Last job was better: -1

Last job was washing dishes: -5

For his mom: -10

Who is also your mom: +50, and there’s an opening for a VP

Answers “Why did you leave your last job?” with:

“I wanted to move to a company with a more updated, cutting edge approach to technology”: +20

“My boss was an idiot”: -5

“Who didn’t appreciate my genius”: -5

“I got caught surfing porn”: -10

Answers “Why do you want to work for us?” with:

“Your company has the kind forward-thinking structure and team philosophy I want to be part of “: +20

“You pay better and the job seems easier”: -5

“My ex works here and this will make it easier to win her back”: -10

“But I’ll have to stay 200 feet away. Big building, right?”: -20

“Or, I can work in the parking lot. With binoculars”: -50, call 911

Provides references: +1

From bartenders: -1

Who work in strip clubs: -5

The same ones you go to: +5 and an off-topic conversation about Mandy Mountains

Annoying Habits:

Jiggles, fidgets, or taps: -1

Prefaces each sentence with “Actually…” or some other poor speech habit: -5

Bites nails: -5

Rolls eyes when asked a question: -8

Hums under breath: -8

The theme song from Gilligan’s Island: -20, and now it’s stuck in your head

To make your final decision, add up all the, crumple up the scorecard, toss in the trash, and hire the person who impressed you most.